I felt freer last Wednesday than I have in a long time.

 

As many of you know, I’ve been struggling since Oct 7. Not only with the barbarity of the attack itself but with the virulent antisemitism that has surfaced since that day and which can be seen everywhere you turn. Sometimes, it feels like we’re back in the 1930s.

 

Rage scares me. Hate terrifies me. And scary, too, is the silence in response to all that rage and hate.

 

 

There’s the silence of women’s groups after the evidence of gang rapes and horrific torture of young and elderly women, children–and men–on Oct 7 (much of that evidence gleaned from terrorists’ celebratory videos). The silence around the need to bring the hostages home. The refusal of so many to condemn Hamas or shoulder Hamas with even the smallest bit of responsibility for the death and destruction in the region.

 

But there was also my silence. Sure, if you spoke to me at any length, the topic of Jew-hate was sure to come up. In more public spaces, though (twitter, IG, Facebook), I’ve been silent. And that was a source of tremendous heartache for me—until Wednesday.

 

Did I make any grand statements on my social media accounts condemning antisemitism on Wednesday? No. Not a peep.

 

What We Think of As Confusion May Really Be Fear

 

What I did do on Wednesday was gain tremendous clarity—and I couldn’t have gotten there without the guidance of Sherry Danner, former trauma therapist and the author of Nurturing the Light Inside: Overcoming Addiction and Codependency on the Path to Self-Love. Sherry is a dear friend and the beautiful force behind Nurtured Light. I’ve recently become a member of her Joy Journaling program for women over 50—and I am soooooooooo grateful that I have.

 

The topic for last week’s Joy Journalism was “Decisions.” I’d like to share with you some of the steps that brought me to clarity on Wednesday in the hopes that they will help you with whatever decisions might be troubling you.

 

Sherry started off by asking us to list decisions that have dramatically changed our lives. She gave us further prompts around these. Then she asked us to write about a decision we are currently struggling with. She asked us to list the different options (spoiler alert–there ARE more than two options!).

 

The decision I chose to work with was “Do I speak out against antisemitism on social media?” Writing responses to Sherry’s thoughtful—and thought-provoking—prompts, I explored so much of what was going on for me regarding this question. While I didn’t come up with a definitive answer regarding how I would speak out, my heart and my soul told me YES.

 

The biggest takeaway, however, and the MOST POWERFUL for me was when Sherry told the group that sometimes we think we are confused when we really are not. Our “confusion” may be our fear talking.

That one concept—what we think of as confusion may really be fear—was the key to my freedom!

 

 

When We Let Fear Hijack Our Decisions, We Often Are Disappointed with the Outcome

 

 

Here’s just a sampling of what (before Wednesday) was spinning through my brain:

 

Concern #1: If I say something against antisemitism on social media, I’ll lose lots of followers.

 

My attempt at dismissing that concern: Don’t be so shallow Diane! And who cares if you lose a lot of followers—if they leave for that, they never were real “friends.”

 

Concern #2: If I say something against antisemitism on social media, I’ll be like all those self-righteous I-know-all-the-facts people screaming their opinions all over the place.

 

My attempt at dismissing that concern: No, you won’t, Diane! You do not come from a place of self-righteousness, and you don’t claim to know all the facts. Besides, this is not a new issue for you. You know a lot more about this stuff than many of the folks with the loudest voices!

 

Concern #3 (And here’s where it starts to get dicey): If I don’t say anything against antisemitism on social media, I am letting myself and other Jewish people down. (Remember my comment about feeling like we’re back in the 1930s? There’s been a great deal of judgment of Jews from that time for not speaking up, for going about their business hoping that antisemitism would not escalate. I am not judging them but, at the same time, don’t want to fall into that camp.)

 

Concern #4, and Getting Warmer still: I speak up loud and clear for any number of causes that move me—why is it so hard for me to speak up for myself?

 

Concern #5–The real meat of it all: If I say something against antisemitism on social media, I will get a lot of hateful comments.

There it is!

Had I been silent because I confused??? NO!!

I was silent because I was scared!!! As I said before: HATE TERRIFIES ME!

 

Now … FEAR IS REAL! I’ve written about it here and in so many of my blog posts! But when we let fear hijack our decisions, we are often disappointed with the outcome. I know that has always been the case for me.

 

I CAN and I DON’T HAVE TO

 

As soon as I identified fear as the source of my “confusion,” I felt lighter and freer and much better prepared to make a decision–one based on my heart.

 

Will I speak up and out on social media? Maybe. The actual choice feels less important now. My freedom comes with the knowledge that I certainly can speak out and don’t have to!

 

I’ll break that down.

 

I can: No longer “confused,” I’ve been able to take much of the fear out of the equation. So what if someone or several or even many people leave hateful comments? It won’t feel pleasant, but I’m pretty certain there will be supportive comments as well—and maybe the statement will help others feel seen and heard, just as I do when I read posts calling out antisemitism.

I don’t have to:  Remember the spoiler alert above: there are more than two options available for most decisions? I can make my “statement” in my writing—not necessarily in a social media post. I’ve pulled way back from social media—it hasn’t been the healthiest space recently (or, probably, ever). Besides, much of my current writing has organically moved towards my Jewish background and roots. Maybe that’s where my focus needs to be.

Unfortunately, much of the literary world is not currently a welcoming space for Jewish voices. Mention the word Israel and all hell can break loose. Take the well-publicized fiasco at  Guernica, a top tier literary journal. They recently published an essay called “From the Edges of a Broken World” written by writer and translator Joanna Chen–and then took the article down. According to Phil Klay in an article he wrote for The Atlantic called “The Cowardice of Guernica,” Chen “weighs her principles—for years she has volunteered at a charity providing transportation for Palestinian children needing medical care, and works on Arabic and Hebrew translations to bridge cultural divides—against the more turbulent feelings of fear, inadequacy, and split allegiances that have cropped up for her after October 7, when 1,200 people were killed and 250 taken hostage in Hamas’s assault on Israel.” Shortly after publishing Chen’s essay, Guernica “quickly found itself imploding as its all-volunteer staff revolted over the essay,” Klay writes. Many of its editors resigned, which led to Guernica‘s pulling the piece, and issuing a statement of regret for ever having published it.

 

“Brave” for Wearing a Star of David? Really?

 

(Chen’s “From the Edges of a Broken World” is still available in the archives.  I highly recommend reading it, so you can make your own judgment. My guess is that you will find it to be a powerful, highly nuanced essay that shows the heartache of all involved–not “a hand-wringing apologia for Zionism,” as Madhuri Sastry, former co-publisher of Guernica, referred to it.)

Kay’s article is among many calling out Guernica and its staff. The New York Times, The New Republic, even The Nation, had harsh words about the journal’s decision and decision-makers. This Guernica thing was truly “a thing,”  And/but Guernica is not alone. Because it was such a well-known and respected publication, the incident received a great deal of attention and scrutiny. But there are many more examples of the recent rise of antisemitism playing out in literary journals and other sectors of the literary world. Here’s an article in the British Telegraph whose title speaks volumes: “Half of British Publishers ‘Won’t Take Books by Jewish Authors.'”

One last: At AWP, a HUGE literary conference I attended in February, two people (one Jewish, one not) told me that I was “brave” for wearing a Star of David–at a writers conference! On a recent cruise, two lovely college women ran up to me when they saw my Star: “We’re Jewish too!” they shared. It was like a reunion of long-lost friends–a small island of safety we found in each other.

Neither of these occurrences would have happened prior to Oct 7.

 

Cooler and Kinder Heads and Hearts

 

I am much more careful about where I submit my work these days. Before I press send, I check out the journal’s website and guidelines and look for statements they may have made regarding the Israel/Palestine conflict. If their message feels like it’s crossing a (very thin) line into antisemitism, I stay away.

(I also crosscheck with the list compiled by Erika Dreifus, who has been “tracking resolutions and statements by literary organizations that are compromised by both distortions of the historical record and ongoing demonization of the state of Israel, Israelis, and/or the vast majority of Diaspora Jews who are not anti-Zionists”)

There still are many with cooler and kinder heads and hearts, who think there is room for all voices–as long as they aren’t espousing hate. Since Oct 7, I have submitted writing with Jewish content to several journals and have already received two acceptances for these types of pieces. And, very special to me,  The Rumpus, on April 1, published an interview I did with Jessica Jacobs about her wonderful new collection of poems UNALONE, her reflections on the book of Genesis,

I am grateful. Very.

So … will I add my voice to the noise on social media? Maybe. I can and am no longer as afraid. But maybe my energies and my strong desire to take a stand against hatred will be better served by other types of writing. I’ll keep you posted!

 

As always, I’d LOVE to hear from you. Please leave a comment or send me an email.

 

And if you’d like to learn more about Sherry Danner and her offerings, here’s the link to Nurtured Light.

 

See you soon!

XOXOXO

Diane

 

 

 

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